Struggles with Infertility

Why is this happening to me?

Will I ever be a mother?

My body is failing me, and I don’t have answers.

I have always wanted a family.

Needles scare me.

I feel so ashamed.

I can’t tell anyone.

What if treatment fails?

Infertility is such a scary, shameful, and lonely experience.

So few people actually understand what you are going through. They may even offer well-intentioned advice like…

Just relax and it will happen.

Have you tried supplements?

Acupuncture will definitely help you get pregnant.

It happened for X when she gave up.

Why don’t you just adopt?

And my absolute favorite (note the sarcasm)…

But you have so much to be thankful for.

It can change you more than any significant life event.

There is a lot of help and support out there to address the physical issues related to infertility: medical interventions, alternative treatments, supplements, etc.

But infertility often takes a bigger toll on our emotional and mental well-being.

Sobbing on the bathroom floor after a negative pregnancy test but putting up a confident front at work.

Smiling through the pain and heartbreak after yet another pregnancy announcement in your family.

Being awake at night going down the rabbit hole of online forums and desperately trying to find another person with the same experience and hoping to find answers for yourself.

Pushing down the anger as well-intentioned family members ask why you aren’t pregnant already.

Sitting in the crowded waiting room at the fertility clinic and having a knot in your stomach.

Feeling so hopeful and excited at the start of every fertility treatment cycle, only to get your heart shattered and crumble under the unimaginable pain of having failed again.

Seeing moms with young children in a restaurant or grocery store and averting your eyes because it is too painful to think this should be you.

Feeling so alone and sad all the time. Even your partner doesn’t get it and seems to be doing fine in life.

Dealing with extreme emotions in response to your best friend’s surprise pregnancy – feeling excited and happy for them but also feeling jealous and thinking, “What the actual fuck?”

Avoiding thinking about trying for a second (or third or fourth) child because you don’t think you can go through the pain again now that you know exactly how hard it can be.

Unfortunately, the stigma and shame around mental health treatment often prevent those with infertility from seeking the support they need.

Rosie* is a healthy, confident, successful professional in her late 30s…

She is full of life and happily married to her college sweetheart. She and her husband have created a great life, with financial security and a nice house. They’ve even traveled a lot so they wouldn’t feel like they were “missing out” when they were ready to have children. Rosie’s life was going according to plan.

The first few months after they started trying, Rosie told herself that she just needed a bit of patience. Then, she buckled down on tracking her ovulation, going to acupuncture, and managing her stress.

Six months into her journey, Rosie started worrying. She made an appointment with her OB/GYN, who referred her to a fertility specialist. Rosie was shocked when her doctor said those words: “You have premature ovarian failure. Your chances of having your own genetic child are slim to none.”

Rosie’s world stopped spinning. She was angry, scared, and just so sad. Without too much consideration, she agreed to start in vitro fertilization treatments. But after two unsuccessful rounds, Rosie felt dejected, depressed, and hopeless. She was exhausted by the ups and downs of her cycles and didn’t know how she would get through it all.

I am SO passionate about working with infertility warriors.

I have experienced infertility myself and, through my journey, it became clear to me that emotional and mental health support is severely lacking.

I remember feeling so alone and so ashamed, and thinking nobody would understand. My doctor never asked me about how I was doing emotionally. My husband was supportive but couldn’t understand all that I was going through. My best friend already had two kids and didn’t really relate to many of my daily struggles.

When I searched for a therapist, I could only find people specializing in post-partum issues or help for moms. Finally, I worked up the courage to talk to a co-worker. To my surprise, she said she had done IVF herself to have her daughter. She became my confidante and someone who listened when I needed to talk or just needed someone to get it. It was such tremendous help to know I wasn’t alone and that I could get through it.

Finding support shouldn’t be this hard.

I wanted to be a resource and support for those going through their own fertility journey, so I completed a year-long training program focused only on fertility counseling.

When I work with clients going through or having a history of infertility, I get the full picture. I am educated in medical terminology and all treatment options. I can help you explore the different options to build a family, including “standard” fertility treatments and sperm, egg or embryo donation, adoption, surrogacy, and fostering.

Conversely, you may contemplate child-free living, and I can help you make the right decision and feel confident in it.

Of course, the impact of infertility doesn’t stop when someone gets pregnant and has a child. In our work, we will address any pregnancy-related emotional issues and help you navigate becoming a mother. The journey from infertility into motherhood is a winding road, and I will support you through all of it.

Here’s how Rosie and I worked together…

When Rosie first started therapy, she was angry and lost. She was obsessively researching ways to improve her fertility, and she did everything she ever read about to maximize her chances of conception. She dreaded going to her doctor’s appointments; she felt alone even in the crowded waiting room. Her husband tried to be supportive, but Rosie shut him out, saying that he didn’t understand what she was going through.

As we worked together, Rosie realized that if infertility becomes the seat of her identity and life, it will crush her. She could connect with her feelings and the trauma of infertility. We explored all possible outcomes – even her worst fear: living without a child. She was brave enough to admit her deepest fears to herself, and it helped change her perspective.

She realized that her life was about so much more than infertility. She re-engaged with things and people she likes. She worked up the courage to tell her friends and some co-workers about her struggles, and she was surprised to find that some of them were going through similar experiences. She felt such relief because she wasn’t alone anymore.

She also opened up to her husband and, in turn, realized how much pain her husband was feeling, too. This helped make their connection stronger.

Rosie is back to her confident, full-of-life self, even though she is still doing treatments. The difference now is that she feels strong enough to make good choices in the future, and she knows she will be okay no matter the outcome.

You don’t have to suffer alone and in silence.

You may be unable to change your circumstances, but you can change your perspective, how effectively you are coping with the emotional turmoil, how well you take care of yourself, and whether you suffer in silence.

You don’t have to feel hopeless and lost anymore. You can take control of your experience and find meaning in the dark places. You ARE strong enough to get through this!

Please, reach out, and let’s talk. I offer a free 20-minute phone or video consultation to understand your situation better and answer questions you may have: (914) 888-6413.

*Name changed to preserve client confidentiality.